My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
