I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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