The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
