I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sober January is a disaster.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
