I accidentally had phone sex last night
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can you bring me the toilet please
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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