I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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