he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
