the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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