Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
