Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish my penis had an off switch
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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