I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
