dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
