so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
