guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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