Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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