my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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