i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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