i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
