Betty ford says i'm here all night
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
