You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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