Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
