Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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