Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
