I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
