I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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