I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
