maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
