everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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