woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
