I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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