I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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