I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
