wrigley field is MILF paradise
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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