I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
