I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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