He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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