38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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