The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
