I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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