This is not my ceiling
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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