she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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