he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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