I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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