Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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