I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
