i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
