Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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