he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
