then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just gift wrapped bread.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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