i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
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kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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