I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
