A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
