The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
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Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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