There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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